This isn’t something written to provoke thought, evoke emotion, or tell a story. This isn’t some kind of attempt at being poetic and creative. This is something for me. This is something that I've needed to do for a long time.
Lately, I’ve felt restless. Stay up until seven a.m., sleep until 2, lather, rinse, repeat. I’ve got all of these ideas rushing through my head and no time – or motivation – to make any of them happen. I want to do more than sit at home reorganizing my room and going to parties where half of the people don’t know me and the other half don’t like me. I want to do a painting, write a novel, make a video about the disparaging conditions of the world today. I want to get out there and be noticed.
I want to feel like my writing is good again. I want to get that rush of adrenaline laced happiness that dances from my head to my toes and through my fingertips when someone calls me enigmatic or thought provoking. I want criticism, not gushy friendly reviews.
But then there’s the part of me that is too scared to do any of those things. I’m too scared of rejection and I rely too much on the opinions of other people to even attempt to change anything about myself.
I want to hang out with my friends again. I want to be the stupid annoying kid that I used to be and run around screaming profanities because it makes me feel mature. I want to have the ability to go out to clubs with one group and then stay in just talking with the other without feeling like someone is being betrayed by my every action. I want to find someone who I can be myself around without hiding whatever aspect of my personality.
Now, just to clear things up – I am not doing one of those lame things where I say I wear a mask. I’m confident enough to be myself; I just don’t let every single characteristic show through all of the time.
I want to find someone who will be around me despite the fact that I listen to shitty music and I sing (horribly) all the time. I want it to be okay that sometimes I just need to listen to sad music and play online games (horribly). I want someone who will listen to Enrique Iglesias and Juares with me without judging me when I start crying. I want it to be okay for me to say no sometimes instead of always getting bitched at over it. I want people to understand that even though I don’t always love my home life, sometimes it’s exactly what I need.
Sometimes I need to hug my mommy and whine and cry over insignificant happenings.
Sometimes, I need to step away from everything for a few minutes and just remind myself that I’m okay.
I need someone who understands that I can’t help how scared I get and how paranoid I am. I need to find someone who will accept every part of me – even the parts that I keep hidden (in plain sight). I need someone who won’t use me for what I’ve got and what I’m willing to do; someone who won’t take advantage of the fact that once I trust a person I trust them almost fully and will thusly do anything for them…someone who can buy and carry their own stuff and support their own habits. Someone who doesn’t need me to constantly be there for them to make a decision, go to the store, pick up a mess; someone who respects my needs, wants, and wishes as much as they do their own. Someone who can sympathize with my sometimes ridiculous and rather obsessive compulsive requests and needs.
Sometimes I just need to hug someone I trust and cry over nothing at all. Pathetic? Probably, but that’s who I am.
Sometimes, I just need to be reminded that people do care about me and that I’m not worthless. I want people to know that I’m not trying to impress anyone or get sympathy with my stories.
If you say you’ve never felt that way, you’re lying.
I want people to understand that just because I’m not talking a mile a minute and smiling, it doesn’t mean I’m upset.
What I need is to learn how to accept myself.
I fear this may be the hardest to attain.
